Crater'z Pit

Fuck, the weekend started off well enough, but once the booze kicked in, everything went downhill from there quite fast.

It all started last thursday afternoon when I woke up at 4:30 PM, when Steph invited me up to the college for the weekend. I spent the whole night trying to find a way up to the college, but alas, to no success. I'd pretty much resigned myself to not being able to get up there friday night when I was hanging out with Holly at Domino's, when in walked Carl, John's dad. I was telling him about how I wanted to go see Steph, when he told me he was heading up that way early the next morning. Well, sufficed to say, I jumped at the chance and asked him if he could drive me up there, naturally he said yes, Carl's cool like that. So after Domino's closed for the night at 3 AM, I went straight home and got packed up, grabbed a shower and a fresh change of clothes, got some cash from dad that he owed me, and waited for Carl. Saturday morning arrived, I ended up spending an extra twenty minutes out in the cold waiting for Carl because just before he left, John wanted to come along, and they ended up picking me up in John's Lexus instead of Carl's van, which was a big plus, since Carl's van had no heat, and John's Lexus has heated leather seats and two DVD players. Anyways, we got on the road about 7:30ish in the AM, and headed out to the Domino's I'm gonna be working at with John and Holly starting next month, it's still being constructed, and Carl was meeting his brother who's an electrician, and brought two of his buddies along to do the electrical work for the store. After about an hour at the store, it was time to head up to the college to spend the weekend with Steph. We drove another half hour before we reached the old residences just off campus, which is not where we needed to be, and after twenty minutes of running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to find out where we were, someone finally pointed us in the direction of the main campus buildings, and we were off to the college. When we reached the grounds, we headed straight for the main building, and after talking to the security guard on duty, we were off to the new residences on campus to find a resident assistant, who I woke up by accident when I knocked on his door. But he was cool about it, and even called Steph to let her know I was on campus. Another minute later, I met up with Steph, and bid farewell to John and Carl, wishing them a safe trip back home, and apologizing up and down to John for taking so long to find Steph's dorm. Steph and I headed up to her room to deposit my belongings and hang out for a bit. An hour later, we went down to Steph's friend Kyle's dorm, meeting him was pretty cool to say the least. A little while later, we were off to the liquor store to pick up some much needed whiskey, which soon became quite poisonous as you'll soon find out. After five minutes out of the dorm, we were on the main road in town, and after another hour of walking up and down three of the biggest hills I'd seen in awhile, we hit the liquor store. On the way back we grabbed a bite to eat and some Pepto Dismal for the whiskey. Another hour of walking in slush with no sidewalks and cars passing within mere inches of us, fun. When we got back to the dorm, Steph's dormmate Jamie was awake, and her friend Dave from another dorm was there too, eating nachos and watching TV. After awhile, Steph, Jamie and I got changed, since Steph and I were coated with snow and road salt, and Jamie was still in her bedclothes. After that, we all piled into Jamie's car, Dave excluded, and headed into town to pick up pop and Little Caesar's, and headed back to campus. Dave returned to join us for dinner, and immediately afterwards, we started drinking. After playing a game of Kings, Steph went to see Kyle...repeatedly throughout the night. During that time, well, I'm gonna stop there for a second, because there's some things you need to know before I continue from here.

 

Steph and I go back only 18 months, but in that time, I'd come to realize a lot of things about her, one of those things being that I have feelings for her, but during the course our time as friends, we'd had a couple falling outs, which I had determined was due to Steph thinking that I had feelings for her at the time. Anyways, Steph and I always seemed to understand each other, we always confided a lot of personal shit to each other. We trusted each other. Moving along, back in December, Steph went drinking one night in a forest with a couple friends, and during the course of the night, she lost her glasses and her bag with her mom's digicam in the swamp. Around 7 AM the next day, I'd still been up for a couple days with no sleep when Steph popped up on MSN, still somewhat drunk and disoriented. She told me that she'd lost her glasses and bag in the forest. I told her that I wasn't getting sleep anytime soon, and volunteered to journey into the forest and search for her things before some jogger found them. Well, I found the forest easily enough, but trudging through the swamp didn't make things any easier, and that's where I happened to find her bag, dry, and still containing the contents Steph had placed in it a few hours previous. While I was in the swamp, I thought to myself, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? Could Steph actually mean something more to me than just a friend?" I shook it off and continued the hunt for her glasses. After four hours of searching, I came up empty on the missing specs and made my way to her house a short distance away. Upon arrival, I was greeted with a big smile that warmed me up right away. While Steph was downstairs getting dressed, I sat in the dining room smoking a cigarette, thinking, "Is this real?" When Steph came upstairs again, I said to her, "There's only two kinds of people in this world that would do this for you, a boyfriend, and a good friend. Obviously, I'm shooting for good friend." And I smiled, and Steph smiled back. We spent the rest of the day together, replacing her glasses, I met her mom, and her mom's friend gave me a lift home afterwards. But that night, I came to the realization that in order for the friendship between Steph and I to survive, I would have to bury my feelings for her deep, really deep, lest they reappear and do more harm than good. I mean, what else could I do? She'd stopped being friends with me twice in the past I figure because she thought I had feelings for her those two times, so I came to the conclusion that the third strike rule was in effect here, I screw it up this time, it's over for good. Well, bad as you'll soon see. So getting back to it, I hid my feelings for Steph deep within myself, and settled into more of an older brother role. And for the last three months leading up to last weekend, I was happy, Steph was happy, everything was perfect. I didn't care anymore if she ended up with me for the rest of our lives or not, I just wanted to see her happy, successful, and safe. It was great. We hung out at her work a few nights a week, and when she went off to college, we'd talk on MSN almost every night. Everything was as it should have been, she was free to do what she wanted, and I was happy just to be the big brother watching his little sister head off to college and get her life started. And before any of you perverts get any ideas, no, we're not actually brother and sister, we're not even related, I just liked to think of her as the little sister I never had.

 

Anyways, I figure it's about time to get back to last weekend again, thanks for getting this far with me, we've still got a lot to cover here. Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, Steph was in and out all night visiting Kyle, but before that, she'd been going on about him all night, Kyle this, Kyle that. So I, trying to be the big brother, tried to help her figure out a way to show Kyle that she was interested in dating him, to which she instantly turned cold, and started to shut me out. Around 11:30ish, Dave and I were watching Bringing Out The Dead on TV in the common room, Jamie was in her room with the door open catching up on homework, and Steph was in her room with the door closed. So I started up a conversation with Dave, and somewhere in there, I confided in him how I feel.....felt.....I don't know anymore. Anyways, I told him about the feelings had for Steph at one point and time. Now I'm not sure how it got around to Steph, either she overheard me talking to Dave, or Jamie overheard it and told Steph, or Dave just told her straight up, I don't care how, but she found out, but only half of it. She didn't get the part about me resigning myself to being the big brother until I talked to her the next day. Moving along, the next afternoon, sunday, I woke up on the common room couch, and Steph had just left to do her laundry. I was in her room returning a loaned blanket and pillow when she walked in. The look on her face told me something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong. "We need to talk." she said. She told me that she knew that I love.....loved.....fuck, can I get anything right here? Anyways, she told me she knew, I'll leave it at that. I told her that she only had half the story, and I explained the rest to her, but the final nail was already in the coffin and being lowered into the grave, too little, too late Bob. Jamie woke up shortly after this, and she and Steph had a little mini-conference where they decided that it was for the best if I went home that day, and after I got out of the shower, they advised me that they weren't comfortable having me around 'til the next day when Steph and I were supposed to get a lift home from her mom's boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/whatever Wade. Anyways, after having breakfast at Dave's, we loaded my bag into Jamie's car, and headed to the bus station, where I caught a bus back to Oshawa, and walked back home to Whitby from there. When I got about ten blocks from home, which was two blocks from Steph's old work, it started snowing, and I said to myself, "Fuck, how did I know that was gonna happen?" I was of course referring to the snow. When I got in the door, my dad tried twice to say hi to me, but I wasn't in the mood for his bullshit. "I HEARD YOU! I'M NOT IN A SOCIABLE MOOD, IT'S NOT YOU, JUST DON'T FUCKING BUG ME!" He tried one more time to get it out of me, to which I balled up my fist, raised my arm back, and told him to fuck off and leave me alone, and after throwing my bag in my room and counting what little money was left in my wallet, I went right back out the door and made my way to Domino's, lighting up a smoke along the way.

 

When I got to Domino's around 8 PM sunday night, Holly just about shit a brick in surprise that I was back so soon, so I filled her in on what happened. FYI, I confide a lot of personal shit in Holly too. Around 1 AM monday morning, Holly closed up shop, and I walked home. After getting changed, I hopped on MSN, and found Steph, and after about an hour of trying to plead my case with her and trying to save the friendship, I gave up for the night 'cause I couldn't see straight anymore from lack of sleep, so I grabbed a bite to eat and went to bed. I tossed and turned for a good three hours before I finally fell asleep. I was out like a light from 6 AM monday morning 'til 3 PM that afternoon.

 

When I finally woke up, I made some coffee and jumped on MSN. Steph was on, but set to Away. After about what seemed like ten minutes, she came online and messaged me. Time for that final coffin nail. Steph told me that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, and try as I might, I pleaded again for her to hear me out, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. She signed off, and then deleted me from her MSN Friend list. I found that out an hour later when I restarted my comp after updating a program, and signed back into MSN, and had a sudden urge to check my privacy list to see who still had me on their lists. Sure enough, Steph had disappeared from that list, and my heart sank. So I grabbed some leftover lasagna and garlic bread and went to my room, but I couldn't eat. I wanted a cigarette, but I couldn't bring myself to go outside and light up. Finally, another two hours later, I scarfed the lasagna and garlic bread, got cleaned up, grabbed a shower, got changed, and went down to Domino's around 9:30 PM. Upon my arrival, Cara and Chantal immediately noticed the depressed look on my face and asked me what was up. Chantal, having been at Domino's the previous night, already knew what happened, but hadn't been updated on monday's tragic ending. So I started from the beginning for Cara so she could catch up, then told them about my miserable monday. Holly showed up soon after this to help Cara do the night's closing paperwork, and I told her about my afternoon/night to that point.

Now, what you all need to understand is that the whole time Steph and I had been friends, I never really realised what she truly meant to me until sunday night. She meant the world to me, still does kinda. But the one thing I can truly appreciate right now is the old saying which goes, "You never really know what you've got until it's gone." Only now, in my darkest hour, do I truly understand the wisdom of that sentence. While talking with Holly sunday night, I'd realized that I really did love Steph, and not as a friend, not as a big brother, but I loved her like the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and in the process, had lost her completely. There's another old addage that goes, "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Right now, that's my only saving grace, being the fact that when I was in love, I was actually truly happy. In her presence, I didn't have to worry about my job problems, my crappy health, my shitty family, that asshole I call dad, none of it mattered when I was with her, I could actually enjoy life. While I may not enjoy that feeling ever again, I feel good to know that I got to experience that feeling for as long as I did, and somewhere, deep down, I kinda hope Steph does too. There's another old line, I know, a lot of them comin' from me tonight, but anyways, Holly re-iterated it sunday night. It goes, "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's meant to be." Well, I set Steph free, but she didn't come back to me, so I guess it wasn't in the stars, although I hope someday she and I can be friends again, but I don't put much stock in it.

 

Well, now you know as much as I do, and you have felt every ounce of pain that I've gone through since saturday night 'til now. For those of you who made it this far, I commend you, I know there were a lot of twists and turns, but hopefully I didn't send you too far off the road. If you want to comment, be my guest, I welcome the feedback. For those of you wondering however, this is not a work of fiction, this is real life, and it hit me like Dale Earnhardt Sr. in the turn four wall at Daytona back in 2001 which resulted in his death. Anyways, thank you for reading, thank you for your time, and let's hope this pain in my chest that I've been feeling since saturday night doesn't kill me. Good night.

Well, 2007 has officially begun, here, and across the rest of the world by now, and I couldn't be anymore...well, let's just say I can't think of a word proper enough to describe what I'm feeling. I should be happy that my 100th blog post on MySpace will be my first post of the new year. I should be happy that some of my friends are moving on to go to college, open a franchise, moving away to start their lives. And yet, I sit here wondering why I'm not so happy. I mean, how do you describe a feeling that feels like a combination of having your heart ripped out and tossed in a blender and set to frappe? There's so much I want so say in this blog, but so much of it's way to personal to post publicly, or even on my preferred list. It's a whole flavour-blast of pain that I'm going to have to keep trapped deep inside me, far from the light of day. And I'm going to have to endure that pain alone, and in silence. Especially since the one person I can actually talk to about it just happens to be moving away soon, and it's also the one person this pain involves in the first place. I'd say I don't know what to do, but I can't even say that because I don't know all my options yet. Fuck, I just wanna headbutt the walls until I either pass out from the concussions, or until there's no walls left to destroy. Anyways, I've rambled enough. The rest of you go enjoy the New Year, I'm out for a smoke, and to think, about what I need to do. Laterz.


MSN Space Exclusive: Kayleigh, just add me as a friend on MySpace, then you'll be able to see my blog. Besides, I pretty much write the same stuff here as I do on NumbJournal, LiveJournal, VampireFreaks, and MySpace. Laterz.

Yeah, it's one of those days. The ones where you just wanna scream out loud, but can't because you don't think you can scream loud enough to be heard. I dunno, I guess I'm just being lulled into such a sense of complacency lately that I can't stand the boredom anymore. Don't get me wrong, life is good for what it's worth, I'm just sick of being unemployed and living in this shithole. I definitely need a change, a drastic one, and soon, very soon.

Other than that, everyone seems to be stabbing each other in the back around here lately. I can't go one day without hearing about who did this and they did that and she's a whore and he's a dick, I'm just so sick of the drama.

There was an anniversary last month that only a couple people know about, and that's how I'd like to keep it. All I can say about it is I miss you everyday since you were stolen from the world that cold October night, and I know I'll never see you again, but you live on in my heart, and in the hearts of those you touched. If there was anything I could have done to prevent what happened, I would have, I just felt so helpless that night, when I found out you were gone, and I'll never feel right about it ever. It's been over two years now, and it still hurts just as much as that first night. When does the pain stop?

So yesterday I get up after only three hours sleep, get showered, get dressed, in my suit I might add, and head out the door. Two job interviews to go to before I gotta book it over to traffic court. First interview at the Best Buy, turned down flat. Second interview at Winners, they just laughed and sent me on my way. So I rush back across town to the old traffic courts, only to be told that I'm in the wrong place, the traffic courts had been moved into the new municipal building across the street, so off I go, already five minutes late, don't know where the hell the case is being heard, so I head to the payment office. Luckily, they've got a copy of the day's docket, off to courtroom 101. Upon arrival, they're still working through the 9AM docket, haven't even thought about getting into the 11AM docket, lucky me. Judge takes a short recess, I take a smoke break and grab a coffee. Come back in, the prosecutor tells me the lady's pleading guilty, signs my witness form, shakes my hand, sends me on my way. All that just to get sent home jobless and another morning completely wasted away.

Other than that, the war with Josh & Rosie couldn't be going any better. They're crashing and burning so badly when it comes to turning people against me. The only person they've managed to turn on me is an someone who will remain nameless here, since the jury's still out to lunch on that verdict. Anyways, nice try J&R, you can't turn everyone against me.

And for some reason, Scott seems to think I have a determination to kick his ass. Uhhh no, wrong again Scotty, like the song says, you don't know. If I kicked your ass, that would leave your children with a crippled dad. If you kicked my ass, that would leave your kids without a dad for a few years. Either way, your kids would be absolutely screwed for food on the table and a roof over their heads if you and I scrapped, so get over it Tiny.

 

Is it just me, or does the month of October bring the worst out in people? Like grrr man, if it weren't for Hallowe'en and friday the 13th, I'd totally hate October. Laterz.

So the war has begun. The gauntlets have been thrown down, no more dancing around the issues. Yesterday, someone I considered a friend decided to post a blog on MySpace and outright bash me to the living end, criticizing everything from my home situation to my wardrobe. For crying out loud Rosie, how many times have I tossed everything I was doing to help you and Josh out? And Josh, for crying out loud, you dress almost exactly like me! Like what the hell? What gives you two the right to totally turn on me when I need you the most? Josh, do you even remember the night I walked around half of Oshawa and most of Whitby with you after that big fight at home? Not to mention the two times I've house-sat for you guys when you needed to go to Montreal, does none of that mean anything to you?

Well, from this point forward, consider yourselves out of my circle. I can't take all this childish backstabbing anymore, I'm absolutely sick of it. People I've stuck my neck out for have completely turned on me, and I can't stand it anymore. I'm surprised I've lasted this long with all the bullshit that's surrounded me for the better part of the last month. I'm drawing the line, here and now, anyone who steps across it can kiss their ass good bye, no more forgiving, no more forgetting, no more letting things slide, it's over, I'm done.

 

 

On the lighter side of things.....heh, yeah right, what light side eh? The job hunt's been going terribly, and apartment hunting even worse. Rahim closed up his store permanently this past monday, and thanks to a poorly timed visit from my dumbass brother, I couldn't make it up to Rahim's to help him pack up the rest of the store.

I suppose there is some good news in there somewhere in my life the last little while, but with all the crap I've had to go through lately, I haven't had time to stop and smell the roses. Oh well, maybe the weekend will bring some silver lining to that storm cloud that's been hanging over my head as of late. Laterz.